Missing

In our house there is a definite silence that is not normal. My three stepchildren have gone for the week to spend time with their "mother." She hasn't spoken to them or seen them in the last four months but since the arrival of her newest baby she suddenly has a new interest in my children. I know that by birth I'm not their mother but in duties I am. I am the one who bathes the boys, washes clothes, feeds them, makes sure they have a warm meal, and all those other motherly duties. I joke with the girls at work by saying that I only had to go through one pregnancy but in the end I got four children. I know that I can never replace their mother but she ran off, gave up custodial rights, and left them. Today Bre and I had to run Spencer's car seat to his maternal grandmother's house and I really saw how much she loves them and misses them when they are not at home with us.

After leaving the children and exchanging hugs it was no more than five minutes later that I glance over and notice that my biological child was crying. She was crying real tears, yes real ones, because she wanted to turn around and take her step siblings home with us. This was astonishing to me because I've always secretly wondered what feeling she harboured for these children. In my mind I've always felt that she loved them but wished that she were an only child again but here it was tears that said she loved them and missed them.

The house has been quite lonely without my step-children but their week is almost up and they will be returning home soon. We've talked every night and you could hear the longing in their voices to be back home. I'm anxiously waiting to see how that homecoming will be because I know despite the tears and exclamations of wishing the kids were home where they belong I know that Breanna will ultimately eat her words and be a brat for just a minute or two or even a few hours. But deep down I know that she loves them and we are a family. In two weeks we are off the West Virginia for a short vacation. That should be fun!!!!! (I think I'm just a glutton for punishment because the hubby and his father are staying home and letting the ladies handle the children for a week.) I wonder if they will miss us?

Heart Ache

Yesterday was a good day overall but there is one incident that still plagues my thoughts and my heart. During my visit with my grandmother she predictably pulled out her collection of new and old photographs. During this Brian was waiting, not so patiently, for his Friday trip to the grocery and out to dinner. He was sitting on the edge of the couch fidgeting and fiddling with his glass case. Ever so often he would check his watch and then show it to anyone who was paying attention. My grandmother in an attempt to keep his mind away from their routine that had been disrupted started passing small stacks of pictures over to him. As this was occuring we chatted about the new great grandchildren and other random memories. For some reason it came to all of our attention that Brian was sitting there sitting stark still just staring at one of the random photos. The photo we suddenly realized was one taken of a time long ago that was a happy time. A time that Brian would never be able to relive again, nor would the rest of us for that matter. He sniffed and stared for what seemed like an eternity. My grandmother gently reached over and took the photo from him and then looked at him softly and whispered, "Dad? I know you love him but he's gone to fly with the angels sweetheart." Brian numbly nodded his head and sniffed once more. Gran promptly sent Brian to get a tissue so that he could blow his nose. She showed me the photo and there it was, Brian sitting on Papa's lap smiling at the camera. It was obviously taken before church and Brian was dressed in a suit and bowtie. I started to cry and Gran joined in. She explained that Brian had taken Papa's death the hardest of all and that it was tough sometimes when she had to correct him. She said that when she was in the middle of fussing Brian would get tears in his eyes and say "Dad" and then point toward the heavens. It never really struck me that of any one of us that knew and adored Papa that Brian was the one who hurt perhaps more than any of us. I just made my heart ache because I too missed Papa but I'm capable to completing the grieving cycle whereas Brian and his limited cognitive abilities is not able to do so. He knows that his love is there and a part of him is missing. I wonder if he looks each afternoon, when the van drops him off from the workshop, hoping to see Papa/Dad sitting in his worn rocker waiting for his arrival. I know that my journeys to their house have been few and far between since his death simply because when my car rounds the corner my eyes immediately train themselves to the porch hoping that Papa will be sitting there. The vicious cycle of death does not end with the loved ones departure. For those we love who have moved on there are those of us on the living plain who grieve and wonder about them in their new homes in the sky.

I found myself wondering what heaven is like this morning. I wonder if heaven is different for different people. I found my self questioning what my Papa's heaven would be like. I found myself wondering if he is able to look down on our lives and see what our paths are. Does he smile with each addition to our family? Does he cry when we are in pain?

And so the cycle of death carries on as I sit here crying and pecking away on the computer trying to sort out my mortal thoughts grieving for the loss of someone very near and dear to my heart.

Slacker!!!


Over the past few weeks I have become a slacker! My poor children have been out of school for a week but being a teacher my job continued to roll on yet another week. Each morning as I got them up, poke, and prodded we all hearded out of the house and headed to Nana's. Well they headed to Nana's while I went to work. I sat through countless meetings and got quite a lot accomplished. On Thursday, Bre in her ultimate wisdom, says to me, "When is summer going to begin?" And as I sat there with my hands gripping the steering wheel I wanted to cry, turn the car around, grab our swimsuits and head to the beach but being that I am a responsible person I continued the treck to Nana's house. Today is Friday and finally it feels like the first day of summer. It's almost 9am and the girls are still snoozing and the boys are lounging about in their room playing a game. I can't even begin to describe how nice this is. Don't get me wrong I love teaching but sometimes I wonder what led me to this path.

I know what led me to this path....Brian, my uncle. Brian is 42 and has Down Syndrome. He has all of the qualities that we "normal" individuals should possess but don't in most cases. He does not know about HATE and his love has always been unconditional. Whether I see him every day or sporadically throughout the year his love is always there. His life is one of constancy. Fridays are always grocery day and he then uses money he earned from the workshop he attends to buy a TV Guide then take his mother to dinner. He has a girlfriend who also has Down's and sometimes she will accompany them to dinner. It would be wonderful if everyone could live life without hate and unconditional love. He is the reason why I do what I do. Long days, lots of work brought home, and yes even forcing my children to spend a week at Nana's.
Today though will be a day of relaxation for my children. We will go to the library for the summer reading program and then take a journey to see my grandmother and Brian. My children will roam around her apple orchard and climb trees and just be kids. Sometimes we all need little reminders of our purpose her on Earth and reminders that tell us that our time here is limited. I don't often listen to country music but there is one song that I think sums it up perfectly. "Live like you were dying" We are all dying a little each day and it seems like a waste not to enjoy our time here. But it also serves us well to stop and reflect on where we've been and where we would like to go. Every day I learn something new whether it be from my family, my students, or my colleagues and it's nice to just sit here a reflect on my life in peace and solitude.

Thank you Warrior for allowing me to take a glimpse into your life! You are a wonderful soul and held in the highest regard.