The Hat

Today I decided to finish a hat that's been sitting in my old machine for quite some time. I chose Bre as my model but as always she's a goofball! It's a bit on the wonky side but I'm still learning.

Scrap Purse

Okay so I not only tackled and conquered the pillow but I also dug up some scrap material that my grandmother had passed along to me. I loved the monkey material it was just fun and whimsical. I used the same pattern as I used on the toile purse shown in an earlier post but this time I actually followed the directions and didn't let them beat me this time round. I think I'm ready for something a little more challenging but I'm still getting the jist of reading the pattern directions and not trying to read too much into them. :)

The Monkey

Elvis Pillows

Last month Bre and her grandmother ventured to Graceland. Bre has been a fan of Elvis for the past few years so this was a great opportunity for them. They brought back Elvis fabric for me to make a pillow out of. I did them one better, or should I say two better. This weekend I've been confined to the house because of a terrible sinus infection so what better chance to make those pillows. Realize that I'm still new to sewing and the only lessons I've had were those from my grandmother at a very young age. but here's the end result. I hope Bre likes them!!!!

Sewing Project

I have to admit that my husband bought me a sewing machine for my birthday (last March) and I've only used it twice. I finally decided after reading other blogs that I was not going to let this beastly machine whoop me. I realized that I was totally over analyzing everything that I had to do. Big surprise because I do that in everything that I do (at least according to my husband). I sat down calmly, gave the "beast" a little lecture to be nice, and did it. My purse is a bit on the wonky side, but it's usable!

I'm also planning to try my hand at this apron!!!! I've sat and watched both of my grandmother's sew for years but with half-hearted interest. Now as an adult with four children it's almost a necessity to make some things from scratch. Hopefully after the hubby comes home from driving over the road I'll be able to sneak away for a sewing class or two.....

adopt your own virtual pet!

Pics of Bre's new haircut. Chosen exclusively by her for her!!!!! I had no idea she was going to get it cut. Imagine my surprise when she came home from her Meme's. Eight inches gone!!! WOW!!!! That's my gutsy little girl!!!!

Pics that I couldn't get loaded from Vacation posting!!!!!

Vacation?

Foolishly I decided to take my four children and accompany my mother in-law to West Virginia for a week. It was interesting to see places that I had only heard about from my husband's childhood and to hear new twists on tales that he had shared. We trouped all over the country and saw endless supplies of wildlife. Everything was lovely up until the 6th day and that's when it all went to hell in a hand basket. My mother in-law turned into a monster. She started harrassing my biological daughter because the kids were just being kids as usual, fighting amongst themselves. Seriously, it was nothing major or out of the ordinary with my little troupe of circus stars. They had been stuck inside because of the rain, which in the end turned into flooding! On Tuesday we packed it in and decided to make the trek down the mountain (through the rain, no less) . I'm going to try to post a few of the picks. If you are ever in West Virginia you must check out Organ Cave. It's the third largest cave in the world and the tour guides really knew how to put on a good show. We experienced total darkness (well everyone except my mother in-law). It was totally awesome! The kids were terrified of "cave crickets" and warned not to touch the walls. Talk about a cool place to visit both literally and figuratively!!!!! The temp was a cool 38!!!!

Missing

In our house there is a definite silence that is not normal. My three stepchildren have gone for the week to spend time with their "mother." She hasn't spoken to them or seen them in the last four months but since the arrival of her newest baby she suddenly has a new interest in my children. I know that by birth I'm not their mother but in duties I am. I am the one who bathes the boys, washes clothes, feeds them, makes sure they have a warm meal, and all those other motherly duties. I joke with the girls at work by saying that I only had to go through one pregnancy but in the end I got four children. I know that I can never replace their mother but she ran off, gave up custodial rights, and left them. Today Bre and I had to run Spencer's car seat to his maternal grandmother's house and I really saw how much she loves them and misses them when they are not at home with us.

After leaving the children and exchanging hugs it was no more than five minutes later that I glance over and notice that my biological child was crying. She was crying real tears, yes real ones, because she wanted to turn around and take her step siblings home with us. This was astonishing to me because I've always secretly wondered what feeling she harboured for these children. In my mind I've always felt that she loved them but wished that she were an only child again but here it was tears that said she loved them and missed them.

The house has been quite lonely without my step-children but their week is almost up and they will be returning home soon. We've talked every night and you could hear the longing in their voices to be back home. I'm anxiously waiting to see how that homecoming will be because I know despite the tears and exclamations of wishing the kids were home where they belong I know that Breanna will ultimately eat her words and be a brat for just a minute or two or even a few hours. But deep down I know that she loves them and we are a family. In two weeks we are off the West Virginia for a short vacation. That should be fun!!!!! (I think I'm just a glutton for punishment because the hubby and his father are staying home and letting the ladies handle the children for a week.) I wonder if they will miss us?

Heart Ache

Yesterday was a good day overall but there is one incident that still plagues my thoughts and my heart. During my visit with my grandmother she predictably pulled out her collection of new and old photographs. During this Brian was waiting, not so patiently, for his Friday trip to the grocery and out to dinner. He was sitting on the edge of the couch fidgeting and fiddling with his glass case. Ever so often he would check his watch and then show it to anyone who was paying attention. My grandmother in an attempt to keep his mind away from their routine that had been disrupted started passing small stacks of pictures over to him. As this was occuring we chatted about the new great grandchildren and other random memories. For some reason it came to all of our attention that Brian was sitting there sitting stark still just staring at one of the random photos. The photo we suddenly realized was one taken of a time long ago that was a happy time. A time that Brian would never be able to relive again, nor would the rest of us for that matter. He sniffed and stared for what seemed like an eternity. My grandmother gently reached over and took the photo from him and then looked at him softly and whispered, "Dad? I know you love him but he's gone to fly with the angels sweetheart." Brian numbly nodded his head and sniffed once more. Gran promptly sent Brian to get a tissue so that he could blow his nose. She showed me the photo and there it was, Brian sitting on Papa's lap smiling at the camera. It was obviously taken before church and Brian was dressed in a suit and bowtie. I started to cry and Gran joined in. She explained that Brian had taken Papa's death the hardest of all and that it was tough sometimes when she had to correct him. She said that when she was in the middle of fussing Brian would get tears in his eyes and say "Dad" and then point toward the heavens. It never really struck me that of any one of us that knew and adored Papa that Brian was the one who hurt perhaps more than any of us. I just made my heart ache because I too missed Papa but I'm capable to completing the grieving cycle whereas Brian and his limited cognitive abilities is not able to do so. He knows that his love is there and a part of him is missing. I wonder if he looks each afternoon, when the van drops him off from the workshop, hoping to see Papa/Dad sitting in his worn rocker waiting for his arrival. I know that my journeys to their house have been few and far between since his death simply because when my car rounds the corner my eyes immediately train themselves to the porch hoping that Papa will be sitting there. The vicious cycle of death does not end with the loved ones departure. For those we love who have moved on there are those of us on the living plain who grieve and wonder about them in their new homes in the sky.

I found myself wondering what heaven is like this morning. I wonder if heaven is different for different people. I found my self questioning what my Papa's heaven would be like. I found myself wondering if he is able to look down on our lives and see what our paths are. Does he smile with each addition to our family? Does he cry when we are in pain?

And so the cycle of death carries on as I sit here crying and pecking away on the computer trying to sort out my mortal thoughts grieving for the loss of someone very near and dear to my heart.

Slacker!!!


Over the past few weeks I have become a slacker! My poor children have been out of school for a week but being a teacher my job continued to roll on yet another week. Each morning as I got them up, poke, and prodded we all hearded out of the house and headed to Nana's. Well they headed to Nana's while I went to work. I sat through countless meetings and got quite a lot accomplished. On Thursday, Bre in her ultimate wisdom, says to me, "When is summer going to begin?" And as I sat there with my hands gripping the steering wheel I wanted to cry, turn the car around, grab our swimsuits and head to the beach but being that I am a responsible person I continued the treck to Nana's house. Today is Friday and finally it feels like the first day of summer. It's almost 9am and the girls are still snoozing and the boys are lounging about in their room playing a game. I can't even begin to describe how nice this is. Don't get me wrong I love teaching but sometimes I wonder what led me to this path.

I know what led me to this path....Brian, my uncle. Brian is 42 and has Down Syndrome. He has all of the qualities that we "normal" individuals should possess but don't in most cases. He does not know about HATE and his love has always been unconditional. Whether I see him every day or sporadically throughout the year his love is always there. His life is one of constancy. Fridays are always grocery day and he then uses money he earned from the workshop he attends to buy a TV Guide then take his mother to dinner. He has a girlfriend who also has Down's and sometimes she will accompany them to dinner. It would be wonderful if everyone could live life without hate and unconditional love. He is the reason why I do what I do. Long days, lots of work brought home, and yes even forcing my children to spend a week at Nana's.
Today though will be a day of relaxation for my children. We will go to the library for the summer reading program and then take a journey to see my grandmother and Brian. My children will roam around her apple orchard and climb trees and just be kids. Sometimes we all need little reminders of our purpose her on Earth and reminders that tell us that our time here is limited. I don't often listen to country music but there is one song that I think sums it up perfectly. "Live like you were dying" We are all dying a little each day and it seems like a waste not to enjoy our time here. But it also serves us well to stop and reflect on where we've been and where we would like to go. Every day I learn something new whether it be from my family, my students, or my colleagues and it's nice to just sit here a reflect on my life in peace and solitude.

Thank you Warrior for allowing me to take a glimpse into your life! You are a wonderful soul and held in the highest regard.

Double Rainbow

An ordinary Thursday that had a surprise almost ending. Everyone is tired and ready for school to be out for the summer. Suddenly a light rain starts to fall while the sun remains in the sky. To our amazement and surprise not one but two rainbows appear in the sky. Or as Bre likes to call them Roy G. Biv (red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet). It's not often that we get to see one of those amazing earthly sights that only God himself could shower upon us but even less often to see two glorious rainbows just sitting there in the sky. My children stared in awe and chattered about it's beauty. I sat silently hoping to catch a photo that would remind just how lucky we are. A kind of peace came over me making me realize how lucky I am to have the life I have. I'm thankful that I have a husband that loves me no matter what the circumstance and children and that are happy and relatively healthy. Today nature put made me realize how wonderful life can be. Despite the fact that I have to figure out how to get a happy meal toy out of the toilet and end of the year school "stuff" is wearing me out emotionally and physically on a daily basis life is still good.

PINK EYE!!!!!

Pink eye with all of its gunk and tears has struck the boys. Everyone actually slept late this morning giving me some peace and quiet. It was so nice to enjoy a cup of latte and the quiet.

20 Things About Me

Work in Progress....

1. I'm addicted to coffee and shamefully nicotene.
2. My second husband is a wonderfully sweet man that I adore very much
3. In our home we have 2 dogs, 1 cat (who is deaf and clawless), 1 hamster and last time I checked that was all!
4. I teach special education and have been known to start taking on their mannerism from time to time.
5. I crochet in the attempt to keep from strangling my own children.
6. Sammy Smeagol (my hubby's expensive doggy) snores louder than my hubby.
7. I'm a die hard softball mommy.
8. The only time I don't have children around me is when I'm in bed. (This wisdom directly from the mouth of one of my babes)
9. Everyone keeps asking if my hubby and I are going to have a child together. Are the positively mad?
10. I experience severe mood swings for unknown reasons and at unforeseen times. Could it be living with my family or my job or possibly both?
11. Poop and bodily functions are often comical subjects in our house..
12. Abstinence is easy in a house of 4 children...
13. I experience extreme guilt trips whenever I try to leave the house alone.
14. I strive to be like grandfather who was even tempered and never complained.
15. Despite my fluffy married appearance I suffered from anorexia eons ago and received extensive counseling
16. If I knew that getting my PhD wouldn't drive me to the insane asylum I would go back to school.
17. I love my job and my children that I teach but you have to find humor in their idiosyncracies and quirks. Hence, I really enjoyed "The Ringer" and thought that it was in good taste
18. My daughter has finally exited her gothic phase but still loves music. Thank you Lord!!!!!

DEATH

One of my students (the one I referred to in the Death in a Bottle post) experienced the loss of his father yesterday. It's amazing to me how differently people deal with death. "M" as I will call him for the obvious reasons of confidentiality and such wanted to come to school today. As soon as I saw his mother accompanying him down the hallway this morning I knew instantly that something terrible had happened. I have to applaud this child for putting on a brave face and bearing the day with his classmates. Perhaps it hasn't fully settled in with him or it may just be that he has been able to reconcile with the loss in his own way. Dealing with a death from a child's perspective is extremely touchy but add to this the fact that this child is one with special needs. After long thought and quiet observation I can't help but wonder what thoughts and feelings must be going through his mind. I've not experienced the loss of a parent and truly fear the day that that comes. At some point during the day "M" approached me and started talking in such a sensible manner it was almost unbelievable to me. He said that his father was not suffering anymore and the fact that his father couldn't stop drinking had caused him to die. I had to fight to control the urge to cry and hug this child for his loss and his wisdom. I'm worried that when the reality sets in and surely it will that this child will positively go out of his mind.

Suspicions

Today was one of those manic Mondays. I used to hate that song! I did some detective work and found out that "Leech" (as he was previously named) did not turn in a letter from a doctor stating that he couldn't work because of a condition with his knees. I'm bad for what I did directly after....I gave the Clerk of Court the address of his temporary residence. I know I know! No one has to tell me that this was a shameful act. By the time this is over and done with my knees will have rug burn and the rosary will be worn through to the string. Temptation got the better of me and I sunk to his level. But the way that I see things is this: If I, the custodial parent, were to suddenly wake up and decide that I was not going to work then DSS would swoop down in some grand way and take my child from me, correct? (Do I hear a resounding southern "hell yes!"?) That's what I thought.

Some might view my act as an act of jealousy or hate. Quite the contrary! I'm not jealous of his lifestyle. I quite enjoy working and living in our humble abode (Which by the way we finally got the leak fixed over Barb's bed!!!!! WOOOOOWEEEE!!!) I'm very fond of bedding down with my husband each and every night and the security that I when we are together. I don't hate him but I stand in wonderment that "LEECH" is able to think that he can single handedly absolve himself of his financial responsibilities to our daughter. When we were going through our divorce almost 7 years ago an offer was placed before him to sign over his parental rights and responsibilities to our daughter but he refused. If I knew that it would not be a true travesty in Bre's life I would offer up the same just to be rid of such pain and heartache that I know lies lurking in her future. I have walked in her shoes and I know firsthand the pain that he will cause that wonderful soul eventually. It is written out so plainly and blatantly on the wall that he values himself more than he does our daughter.

~Sighs and shuffles off to bed~

Ex-husbands suck!

I'm failing to realize why there are even child support laws in existance! I know that Breanna loves her father but in terms of him as a human being he's the biggest succubus I know. Here's the scoop or me venting, however you wish to view this. I won't name names but let's just call the him Leech because that is a term that accurately describes him. Leech and I have been divorced for almost 7 years now. His father or mother has paid his child support up until this past December, at which point they collectively decided it was time for Leech to be a big boy and live up to his responsiblity. Well, needless to say, Breanna has not received any form of monetary support from Leech since December 22. Eighty dollars per week is not a lot or at least is doesn't really go far when you have a child who is very active and when there are 3 other children in the household. (My 3 stepchildren receive a check separately from their bio-mom) Did I mention that since we moved I drive 2 hours every other Friday/Sunday to take her and pick her up so that she can see him? (Important detail!) Well three months ago we are called before a judge and the judge gives him 60 days to prove that he medically cannot work or come up with the past due amount. Sixty days flies by and we go back to court two weeks ago. This judge tries to appear harsh but he gives him 10 more days in which to provide proof. Guess what he provides proof. Did I mention that he had told the second judge that he did not have a job, was being evicted from his apt. but he had been working with a personal trainer and his knees (that's what's bothering him, you see) were as good as new. Now there sits a letter waiting to be seen by a judge stating that he cannot work.

Problem

People who are sick cannot do the following:

1. Play softball with an adult team (there is running involved)

2. Go to clubs nightly

3. Go to the gym daily (don't you have to have money to pay for memberships?)

4. Take your daughter to the park and run around the bases

5. Party and have a good time

What will happen next?

I just need to get a grip and let this go. One day the flames will consume him and if he's too stupid to feel them licking his feet and that's something that's out of my hands.

Living in Motherhood

Buddy~the runaway pooch

Memories

Saturday should be a good day. It started off rather ordinarily but that was short lived. My 7 year old step-son decided to go out of the side gate and our two dogs decided to take a romp and stomp round the neighborhood. All of this occuring while my hubby was running errands. As lovely as I looked I rush out of the house to chase the beasts. In the heat of the moment all I could think about was having to call my daughter (who is staying at her dad's this weekend) and say, "You know your beloved little Buddy? Well he's in the great pasture in the sky." That would have been fabulous! My husband drives into the cul de sac to find me driving out like a mad woman in the mini van. He later revealed that he was sure I'd finally lost my noodle and was running away from home. After 20 minutes of looking calling, crying, and getting sooo close only to have Buddy dart at the last possible minute. Sam, on the other hand, decided to come directly to me. I suppose he is the dumb one because he was absolutely oblivious to what I was doing, trying to trap him. Finally with Buddy and Sammy in tow we made it back to the house. To my absolute horror I realized that I was in my pajamas (no bra) and since I was in the process of straightening my hair it frizzy and in a single rubber band on the top of my head. Now, I'm sure that my neighbors loved seeing me in such a state and I'm defintely embarrassed.

But other than that exciting event today was just a depressing kind of day. I didn't even take a nap in the tanning bed like I usually do and when I left to go to the produce market I suddenly choked up and wanted to cry. It was like suddenly a beautiful spring day turned sad for me. I started thinking of my paternal grandfather and wishing that I could just reach out and give him a hug and just sit down and have a conversation. Papa passed away quite suddenly of a heartattack when Bre was not quite 2. Luckily for me we had spent the previous weekend with him and had a very nice time. Because my father was so immature (still is for that matter) I spent most of my childhood bonding with my Papa rather than my father. He was such a wonderful soul that I've yet to meet anyone who could even compare to him. I can say that I never saw him loose his temper or talk harshly to anyone. He had the kind of patience that I can only dream of having. Nostalgia swept over me and even now I'm saddened by the fact that I can't speak to him and tell him about the path that my life has taken. I'm doubly saddened by the fact that he has not been able to see the beautiful young woman that my daughter, Breanna, is turning into.

~sigh~

"Wonderful" Wednesdays.....arghhhhh

Wednesday-hump day! Wow I really feel like I'm just perched on the hump waiting for the wild ride down to Friday. This morning our two dogs (Sam the French bulldog((that's Sammy in the pic)) and Buddy the Rat Terrier Feist) decided to make a raid of the trash can. Guess my lasagna from last night was totally irresistable but geeeesh 4am!! Gimme a break! I even made the comment to my hubby in angry, sleepy grumblings this morning that today would be a bad day. Spring shouldd be a half-way celebratory time for us school teachers but contrary to popular belief spring is one of the busiest times for us especially those who teach special education. Spring is the dreaded time for IEP development and nagging parents to come and meet in order to discuss student progress. Sounds like a piece of cake? I wish life would be so kind. I taught in the same school for 10 years before moving to a new district halfway across the state so I'm having to learn this new districts ways of doing things. Can we say "MIGRAINE?"

I should not really complain about the policies and procedures. I don't have to give norm referenced tests to seventeen students and then score them before getting into the IEP development! But the program that we use to write the IEP's...good lord! I think I actually am starting to develop rug burns on my knees for all of the times that I have cursed one of the other teachers for mucking up the system for the rest of us! I even took the time and tried nicely to explain how this program works so that everyone can use it but nooooooo. We all know when she gets on the system because shortly there after everything goes down! Oh well! Who am I just a new person, that's all! I even explained that the system was so terrible that my previous district boycotted the use of it so they would allow us to go to a program that is more "user" friendly.

The kids have actually been decent this afternoon at home. It finally stopped rained so the boys are outside trying to see who can get the dirtiest before mealtime. I think it'll be Spence because he can look at something dirty and it just jumps up on him. My hubby was in a tizzy over what to have for dinner which ended in me hanging up on him..(Terribly childish, I know). But thanks to my executive decision dinner is in the oven. Honestly I think he's just tired of dish duty and wants to cook to get out of dishes! Oh well there goes the buzzer..time to get back to reality!

Death in a bottle

This past week I found out that one of my students has a dying father. During the beginning of the year this child gave me fits to the point that there were times when he had to be physically restrained because of violent outburts towards his peers. I've never been a proponent of medication but for this child medication was truly a savior. His ADHD was like this gigantic monster that took away not only his ability to sit in one spot for more than 2 minutes but his emotions as well. In the ten years I've been teaching special education I've never come across a child that made me not want to go to work but this one did. (Actually there was another student in the same class but he's just another story entirely!!!!! I won't even begin to go there!) I work for a wonderful district that was able to help this family get the doctor's appointments and medication he truly needed. The father who had been dead set against any kind of medication suddenly had no input. That should have been my first sign that something was not quite right.

One morning I walked in and here sits this child and his mother (she doesn't live with him but still tries to remain active). I'm thinking ok...behavior charts have been working wonderfully, he's been meeting all of his goals....what could it be? I know, she really wants to go with us on this beach trip....No!!!! She approaches me and says that the father is in ICU and the child has not slept, is very upset yet wanted to be at school. I manage to get the child to run an errand for me and she proceeds to tell me that his father is dying... Shock!!! Of? Sciorosis of the liver and heart failure. SHOCK again!!! I mean, I knew that the man was a alcoholic just by the meetings that I had had with him earlier in the year. My lord, he had it written all over him! We talk for a bit and I suggest going to see the counselor because I know the bond between this child and his father is one that is phenomenal. The child comes back to class and the rest of the day is just really touchy for him and it just broke my heart. He's never been one of the "clingy" children that lets you know their every move but on this day he is and several times his eyes start to water and the tears are on the brink of falling.

What do you do? I've been through watching an alocoholic die but it was my grandfather. My grandfather could be a very mean man thanks to the devil in the bottle so my grief can't be compared. My heart bleeds for this child but at the same time I'm angered because his father wouldn't stop drinking long enough to raise this child and now what? I can't imagine being 12 and watching my parent slowly fading away, swelling up, not being able to say I love you, not watching important events pass!!!! It's one thing to lose someone to a tragic, unexpected death but a death that is self inflicted?????? What the hell??? All of this is just out of my realm of understanding. Looking at my own children I just couldn't imagine how they would react and from my perspective I couldn't imagine watching my children have to face such. Which makes me look at my ex husband...HORROR! My daughter may be in this same spot one day because her father drinks a great deal and at 27 was diagnosed with a spot on his liver. But there again you can't compare apples to oranges. The child in my class lives with his father and despite the alcohol the father did provide for him. Bre's father on the other hand won't even get a job to pay her support payments, big difference? I think so! But the impact on the child? SAME!!!!

This ends it for now!

Who am I?

I'm a "newly" married mother of four. Before marrying my second hubby I had one daughter, who was quite the brat. We now collectively have the "Brady" household. As with all families our children have their own personalities and quirks. June 6 will be our one year anniversary as a family! Wow! Sometimes I'm truly amazed that I've survived. My life has totally changed some good and some not so good. There are times when it would be nice to just be able to accept an invitation from the girls to go for a drink or two after work. With soooo many children going sooo many different ways that isn't always an easy task.

Today was one of those days where my hubby and I clashed! (Not a major argument but just enough to get my blood boiling) I've come to realize that I am the perverbial "heavy" in our house. By that I mean I am the one who says "no" and means it and doles out discipline as needed. I wouldn't say that I'm totally unbending but some things just can't let go. He predicts that I will be the one who plays detective and knows their every move as teens. What's wrong with that? Anyway, one of our ten year olds plays the pity party at every turn. She cries when she is confronted, she cries when she doeesn't get her way, etc. Maybe I should be more sympathetic but I don't accept those kinds of tears from my biological child. My husband being the push over that he is gives in 80% of the time. I, on the other hand, tell her to suck it up and get over it. We just had a discussion about the fact that when our four year old son starts to tear up over such trivial things he is always told to dry up the tears or go finish in his room. Same rules should apply, right? Hopefully things will change since I decided to bring this to his attention.

Pictured above: My daughter Bre and Mr. Romance

T.G.I.F